Welcome to the New Year

Congratulations! I am glad to welcome you into 2017. New Year connotes new opportunities, and hope. It is a time to focus, take stock, discipline yourself and follow through on what you want for yourself. It is also a time to make amends where necessary. It is not a time to look back, but ahead.

For three years, I left my blog to attend to some other stuff. This stuff is a mixture of distractions, achievements and life lessons. My singular focus of re-launching this blog is to share my thoughts, life lessons, self help truth and encourage the youths in our society and beyond. To help them know that whatsoever they imagine or desire to become is within their grasps. Like the picture of a cat, looking into a mirror, but seeing its own very image as that of a lion, that is how it is for everyone who believes in his or herself.

I may not be that excellent writer, but I am a certified youth counsellor. I have successfully organised series of programs focused on educating and empowering young adults on character development. My priority is to encourage young adults and see them excel in their chosen fields.

Sometimes, I wonder why I abandoned my blog, which is an excellent platform for interacting with young adults, to chase other ambitions. Well, I must say, it is all a learning and building process. And the veering off paid off in two significant ways. One, I learnt a lot about people and two, never forget your primary assignment. Wherever you find yourself, see it as an institute where you need to build yourself up. And just focus your energy building yourself.  

2016 wasn’t a good year for many and we couldn’t wait for it to end. Now it has ended and the anticipated 2017 is here. So, what are your plans? Are you going to seat back and watch it crawl away without taking responsibility for your life? In 2016, some sat back waiting for the government to rescue them. Some tried helping themselves, but eventually gave up concluding that things will never be better. Whatever role you played, here is the good news; you are alive. And like the usual cliché, “once there is life, there is hope”.

Today happens to be my birthday and when I went down memory lane, I have a thousand reasons to be grateful. I look at my life and have every reason to be grateful. I am healthy, and so is everyone in my family. Some spent the festive season in the hospital while some didn’t live to see the New Year. Here I am celebrating another year with high hopes and opportunities.

This year is laced with so many opportunities. Look inward, look around and align yourself with your purpose. Focus your energy on things that are worthwhile. The dictionary defines worthwhile as something important or rewarding enough to justify your effort. Set your focus on worthwhile activities, goals and visions so that when the year ends, you will have a good course to say “well done” to yourself. And lastly, don’t forget to keep a date with me, on this blog, I am dedicated to write often and help you achieve your worthwhile lifetime goal. Welcome to the New Year.    

Identifying Teens Trouble

What are their challenges?
In an ideal world, all parents would provide consistent and loving guidance and training for their children. They would talk to them, read to them, eat with them, and understand them. However, parents are not perfect. If you are a youth, you may feel that your home life is less than ideal. You may be right. Nevertheless, there is much you can do to reduce your anxiety and increase your happiness.

Increased isolation

Movies, TV Shows and Magazines have portrayed youths as being constantly surrounded by a group of friends and maintain that bond as adults. The reality for most teens is quite different.

Many youths lack a sense of connection and have few close friends with whom they are comfortable discussing problems or sharing ideas. Teens that do make friends seem to have little time to spend with them. Most Teenagers spend about 10% of their time face-to-face contact with friends but up to 20% of their waking hours alone—more time than they spend with either family or friends. They eat alone, travel alone, and entertain themselves alone. Encouraging this trend towards isolation is the proliferation of electronic devices. The time Magazine in 2006, reported that youths between 8 and 18 spent on average, Six and Eight hours a day with eyes glued to the TV, their ears plugged with ear phones, or their hands hovering over video-game controls or computer keyboard.

Pressured for sex

Teens and even preteens are under tremendous pressure to experiment with sex. Most girls started having sex between the ages of 12 and 15. Casual sex is very common among youths at school. Those who do not have sex are considered strange. Casual sex is so common among peers that only saying no, once, is not enough—you repeatedly have to reject the invitation.

Researchers surveyed a thousand youths whose ages ranged between 12 and 19 and who were from a variety of backgrounds. They found that almost 50% of the youths regularly engaged in some form of sexual activity. Over 20% of these sexually active youths were only 12. The controls that the family, the church and other institutions traditionally exerted have vanished, leaving the young as casualties.

Are youths who experiment with sex really casualties?

In a report published in 2003, researches drew a direct link between teenage sexual activity, depression and an increased risk of attempted suicide. They analyzed interview with 6,500 teenagers and found that sexually active girls are more than three times more likely to be depressed than are girls who are not sexually active. And among boys those who are sexually active are more than twice as likely to be depressed as are those who are not sexually active.

Fractured families
Most youths in most countries of the world have experienced rapid changes in family structure and a shifting set of values. In the past few decades there have been several major demographic changes that directly affect the lives of teenagers. The size of the average family has been decreasing, so adolescents are likely to have fewer siblings. As divorce rates continue to rise, more children are spending part of their childhood with a single parent. And more mothers of children are working, so it is less likely that there is an adult at home. Whether children are living with one or with two parents, many feel alienated from their parents at the very times they need them most. Most parents of today’s teenagers belong to the post-war baby boomer generation, and grew up being exposed to a new set of values emphasizing economic success and material gains. What values do such parents pass on to their children? Many parents today primarily care about their children’s academic success. As long as their children study, other things have become secondary, or do not even matter at home.

How can such an unbalanced emphasis on material success and academic achievement affect youths? When children appear to act crazy, it may be because they do not perceive their family to have a controlling impact on their behavior.

 Self destructive behavior

A government report in 2006 revealed that cocaine use among 11 to 15 years olds doubled within a year. Some 65,000 youths said that they had experimented with the drug. In some States more than 20% of youths between 16 and 24 years of age are said to be alcohol dependent to some degree or have an alcohol related illness.

Many youths express their inner anguish in a more direct way. They cut, bite or burn their own bodies. It is estimated that three million teenagers suffer from self inflicted injury and one in every 200 teenagers suffer from chronic self-injury.

 

 

 

 

Erase Despair from Your Life

Wow! Should I say Happy New Year because it’s been like ages since I visited my blog. I hope I have your forgiveness? My excuse might be genuine for I went on a nine months course that eventually gave me a cute baby girl that I cherish more than myself. Well that is a story for another day.

How has this year been? For now, let me be the judge that this year has been a good one for you. If you are reading this, regardless of what you have been through or how tough the first few months of this year has been, you should learn to erase despair from your life.

Despair is a profound feeling that there is no hope. It is a response to life and its circumstances, disappointments, unrealized expectations or failed attempts to fix or change things. People who live in despair seldom accomplish much with their life. People who have experienced despair and decide that they don’t want to spend any more time in this unfair state have accomplished miracles. The choice is yours.

What actually are the causes of despair? There are numerous causes to the mental or emotional states of despair. There’s just too many to list here. But I would like to share a few of the major ones that contribute to this emotional malaise that ultimately if not overcome or addressed will create hopeless, unhappiness and unfulfilled life.

Self-defeating attitudes: Some people don’t believe they deserve success, happiness, love or many other positive outcomes of life. They just don’t feel worthy whether it is grounded in their upbringing or the circumstances or people that have come into their life. When disaster strikes, and it will sooner or later, these people’s response is usually, “See, I told you. It’s what I knew would happen.” This is a self defeating attitude that you can overcome by having a positive attitude to every circumstances regardless of the result they bring.

Wrong mindsets: Mindsets are created or formed by a number of circumstances and people. Teachers, parents, bosses, siblings and more have all contributed to your mindsets. A mindset is a way of looking at life. Circumstances and situations have also over time contributed to your mindsets. If you feel that people can’t basically be trusted, you will tend to treat everyone in a way that shows your general lack of trust. To overcome this, give everybody a benefit of doubt lobe and trust people genuinely until they proof otherwise.

Emotional immaturity: When blame, guilt, jealousy, regret, anger, resentment, bitterness or hatred become fixed in your emotional makeup these will determine how you look at each of life’s experiences as well as the people who cross your path. These emotions will not do you any good whatsoever as long as you harbor them you will live in a lonely prison of defeat.

The lack of a spiritual foundation: I’m not talking here whether you are a Christian, Jew, Muslim or any other religion. I am talking about your belief in a higher power that guides your life and circumstances. People who lack a spiritual foundation tend to blame God when things go bad and take the credit when things go right.

Poor planning: Most people spend more time planning a 2 week vacation than they do their life. They will make reservations, decide on activities in advance and prepare for uncertainties. Why do people spend time planning 2 weeks and don’t spend time planning 60 years and what they would like those years to look like and create? I don’t have a clue.

Not taking responsibility: Life, the world, your parents, the government, your spouse and your employer owe you nothing. Yes, parents educate their children, spouses love each other and bosses give you an occasional raise. But, if you go through life feeling entitled, I guarantee that sooner or later you will experience, heartache, disappointment and anger. Your life is in your hands and your hands only. So, if things don’t work out stop blaming others.

Life outlook – This is how you view your world. People are good or bad. Life is fair or unfair. Things work or they don’t. People disappoint you. Circumstances are oblivious to your needs, desires or concerns. Once you start to realize that your life is not the result of others but your decisions, choices, actions, beliefs and behaviors you will go a long way in overcoming your despair.

Low self-esteem: If you don’t feel worthy or like yourself I’ll guarantee that life will be a constant battle for you. Self-esteem says either I can do it or I can’t. I’ll overcome or I won’t. This will work out or it won’t. Self-esteem is formed very early in life generally before you reached the age of ten. But, if you have low self-esteem you are not doomed to degrade yourself until your dying day. You can learn, change and grow.

Self-limitations – The only limitations we have are the ones we place on ourselves. This doesn’t mean that we can fly. What it does mean is that generally if something is holding you back or preventing you from overcoming difficult times it will usually be something in your own consciousness; some fear, limits, boundaries or restrictions that you believe hold you back.

Old emotional baggage – Was it something someone said to you 30 years ago? Something someone did to you that you just can’t let go of or forget? Is it some unrealized expectation that didn’t happen sometime in your past that you keep focusing on? Was it a failure or time in your life when nothing worked and you keep replaying it over and over again in your mind? This is old baggage and it will in no uncertain terms prevent you from successfully emerging from challenging times.

Lack of clear goals: Goals are not about their accomplishment, contrary to popular teaching and opinions. The purpose of goals is for one reason only, they give you direction. So if you have no goals what direction are you travelling? I’ll bet your mantra is ‘same stuff different day’. Is it any wonder why so few people achieve success and happiness? Want to get through these challenging times faster and easier? Start setting some goals and then develop some plans to achieve them.

 

Responding to Adversity

Everyone regardless of age, gender, position, nationality, economic status, race or religion experiences adversity. It is a part of every other circumstance you will experience in life. It is a neutral concept. It doesn’t pick on certain people. Some people could look at others and say, “Those people are doing well; they have never failed or experienced adversity.” I have news for you.

No one is exempt from life’s trials and tribulations! Life is nothing more than different phases of circumstances and conditions. Yes, some people may get more than their share of bad times while others may get better times or circumstances than they deserve. But be careful; do not judge.

You cannot control what comes into your life, but you can choose to control how you respond to it or act. Adversity, problems and failure, no one wants them but everyone gets them. How you choose to see them or define them will have a great deal to do with how they impact your life. If you fear failure and choose not to stretch, try, experiment because of its consequences, then the fear of failure will rule your life.  But if you fail and learn, then you are in charge of your life and its outcomes. Norman Vincent Peale once said, “Problems are good as long as you learn from them.”

No one likes the sting of discouragement or despair. I’ve been there, many times but I can tell you that there is something to learn in every life’s situation if you will stop seeing yourself as a victim. Rather discover the lessons and learn from them. If you are discouraged, troubled or afraid I hope you find some answers or solace in the words that follow. Don’t ever let anyone else tell you how to live your life. We all make mistakes and the people who are often good at giving advice perhaps might use some of their own counsel too.

On failure: No one escapes this life without failing. I’ve had them. You’ve had them. Everyone’s had them. The only way to avoid failure is to spend the rest of your life living in a closet away from human contact, expectations and the quest for achievement. I do not know anyone who has reached adulthood and has not had some form of adversity or failure in his or her life. Or do you know any of such? If you don’t know any, then why are we afraid of failing?

Failure has its own positive side if you view it from another perspective. Failure gives:
1. You an opportunity to regroup.
2. It is a necessary tactic of life to help you learn?
3. It can make your successes or achievements taste good or better.
4. Gives your enemies something to talk about.
5. It forces you to take another look.
6. It tests your resolve.
7. Gives meaning to your successes.

So go out there and fail. Stretch yourself. Push harder. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

On discouragement: Discouragement defined by Webster dictionary is to be deprived of hope or confidence. Dishearten, dispirit or to be dismayed. For me, discouragement is when you feel you have no options, your back is against the wall and you don’t know which way to turn, what to do or who to turn to. It is this hole in the pit of your stomach and this fear that fills your every waking moment that says, why bother, what’s the point. Ever been there?

On problems: Late Norman Vincent Peale once said, “There is only one group of people that don’t have problems and they are all dead. Problems are a sign of life. So the more problems you have the more alive you are.” My addition to Norman’s quote would be, “if you don’t have any problems today maybe you are on the way out of here and you don’t know it yet.”

If you perceive our quotes to be some old philosophy of life, at least we are closer to speaking the truth. One thing you and I have both learned is that everyone has problems. Some have relationship problems, others financial, some career, others health, some social, others business. No one is immune to adversity in life. The key is to accept the issues, negatives, problems, situations (I don’t care what you call them) as part of the life’s process of becoming who you want to be.  People destined to fail see themselves as victims and blame life for picking them. Winners, regardless of their position, status, age or circumstances see problems and adversity as a catalyst to becoming better, stronger, wiser, and more aware of the reality of their life.

Problems are not positive or negative, they are neutral. It isn’t what is happening in your life that matters it is how you choose to see it and what you do with it. Learn to see the negatives as loving teachers in your life, bringing you the opportunity to get a clearer vision of where you need attitude adjustments, improved thinking or better skills.

Creating an Exceptional You

Very few people are exceptional and one of the major traits that stand them out is Self confidence. Self confidence is an essential skill that you need to navigate through peer pressure. It protects you from being distracted and helps you pull through challenges. With good character traits, moral and religious values, you will hardly fall into the trap of distraction. You will be the master of self control.

 Self control is imperative in the development of your self esteem, confidence, identity, and ultimate success. Self control will help you have healthy respect for others. With self control, no matter the challenge you can never compromise. It is also the ability to govern oneself and enable you to control your temper, regulate your sensual appetites and passion.

Growing up as a young girl, in my family, values were taught and enforced. Faith in God and family values were everyday discussion. Religious value was the strongest influence in our lives. With self discipline, you can put off instant gratification. Below are the tips that can help you achieve an exceptional you.

• Love: This is personal caring that goes beyond oneself. It is having the habit of doing things for others.  It is simply sacrificing and caring for others. Learn to treat others the way you want to be treated. This love should go beyond your immediate and extended families.  
• Respect: This is the ability to treat others and things with value. Your manner and courtesy should speak more about who you are. Your respect should be for God, life, elders, parents, people, law, properties, and beliefs.
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  Responsibility: It is being accountable and dependable. It has everything to do with having the mind of your own in decision making; learn to be responsible for your actions at all time. As a teenage counselor, I have a particular teenager that whenever I scold him as regarding an issue, he would tell me that someone made him do it. I told him to learn to take responsibility for his actions. You should learn to do the same because when you fail, it’s you that has failed; nobody else.
• Honesty: Always be truthful and trustworthy. The inner strength of building integrity comes from being honest. Believe it or not, if honesty isn’t part of your life, you will develop the habit of lying and cheating others.  This negative attitude will become part of you and gradually you will be living a life of a lie, and believing you are being smart. 
• Courage: Is having an attitude of dealing with things that are recognized as dangerous. Courage is to believe in what you do even if nobody else does. It is facing your challenges with a brave heart.
• Sexual purity: Make it part of your goal that sexual relationship belongs only to those who are married. Endeavor to restrain yourself from sexual relationship outside marriage. Such commitment, made in the presence of God, is the best for emotional, physical and spiritual strength and growth.
• Get a positive attitude: Learn to stay positive and pursue your goal. Don’t ever get discouraged about the things around you. Don’t support the people who believe you cannot succeed in this country; the truth is that wherever you are, keep your head high and the sky will be your starting point.

Farewell Whitney Houston (August 9, 1963-February 11, 2012)

And Saturday 18th of February 2012, the talented super star was laid to rest. But we are yet to get over the shock of her passing on. For me, it was a question of how could such a mega superstar departs so soon.

A week ago, I woke up at 4am to ease myself and like every BlackBerry lovers, I peeped and saw that fifty percent of my contacts had updated their DPs (Display Pictures) and their status reads “Whitney Houston is dead”.

To double check, I went on Twitter, and there it was—a tweet from Kimora Lee confirmed it. She was shocked too. And the truth finally sets in—I was so pained that another of my favorite has gone too soon. Like Michael Jackson, she too was a fragile superstar.

Few days after, I listened to friends, families, TV Show hosts and reporters talked about the troubled life of Whitney Houston. They emphasized that when she married Bobby Brown her life and personality took a new turn. She took to smoking, using drugs and drinking heavily.

Just like the old saying goes “Bad apples corrupt good apples. Also, bad friends corrupt good friends” Whitney Houston was just another victim who was guilty by association.

I have seen circumstances of people I care about who are guilty by association. A friend’s brother who was a promising professional footballer could not handle the life of fame and new sets of friends, he gradually slipped and took to partying lifestyle; using drugs, drinking and heavy smoking. He took to smoking two packs of cigarettes everyday and eventually he was diagnosed of lungs cancer and few months after, he died.

Whitney had been living an innocent life. As a child she started singing gospel songs in her local church and then began her modeling career in her early teens. Success came faster than expected. She was traveling faster at the speed of sound. She knew it. Her mother knew it. In fact, anyone who heard her sing knew it. She was beautiful, talented, destined to be great and along came the Spider. And that Spider was Bobby Brown.

In 1992, Whitney married Bobby Brown. That was when her life began to change for she took to drugs and heavy drinking just like her husband who had been in trouble with drugs, the Law, and served time in jail. Although she eventually divorced Bobby, she couldn’t disengage herself from drugs and heavy drinking, which she inherited from her broken marriage. In the late nineties, she admitted to using cocaine and smoking marijuana with her ex-husband. Even with all her talent, awards and high society lifestyle, her life was spiraling out of control. And she was gradually losing her place on the center stage of her career.

She couldn’t handle her gigs as usual. She would show up late for her concerts or would cancel a show shortly before it started. On several occasions she simply did not show up for radio or television interviews. Once on Oprah Winfrey Show, she told Oprah that “doing drugs was an everyday thing. I wasn’t happy at that point in time. I was losing myself” for she knew she was in trouble; however she did nothing to get control of her life. She rejected the people who loved her and wanted to help her; including her family, her church and close friends.

In all of these, we can’t lay all the blame on Booby Brown for Whitney Houston’s lifestyle. Whitney made bad choices in her adult life. The lifestyle of the rich and famous isn’t always what it appears to be. The day before her death, she performed one last time in front of a group of friends. In her last performance, she went back to her roots in gospel music and the church she loved. Her last song was “Jesus Loves Me”.

Whitney Houston was one of the best music icons that will ever live. I have loved her even through her struggles; I had prayed to God that she will turn back to Him. Although it sad to know Whitney died, but the fact remains—she couldn’t disengage herself from her negative distractions. So are many out there who are still victims. If you or your friends have friends that are not a good influence and you realize you need to make some changes, then take a stand, do the right thing and make the move today! Make sure your friends and your friend’s friends have your best interest at heart. We all have been influenced by negative people in our lives and have learned we must be aware of whom we allow to come into our lives.

1Corinthians 15: 33 from the Bible is a scripture that reminds us that God knows all about the questionable people who come into our lives and warns us to be careful when we choose our friends. It reads, “Do not be misled. Bad company corrupts good character”.

Rest in peace Whitney! You will forever be to us that beautiful person with an incredible voice. May you find peace in heaven and sing lullaby to your messiah. Goodbye and goodnight.